Hello Sallon,
How have you been lately? It seems we haven't spoken to each other
since years now. I am sorry for not contacting you. Today I was alone and had
lots of time to do the things I wanted to. You see I spent my time clicking
pictures, writing poetry, I even watched YouTube today but still felt very
empty inside. I tried seeking myself what could it be that I'm missing. Now a
days I have started writing a lot of poem. It's only to you I believe I can
explain about me and my situation. It may be quite long but I know you'll read
this letter.
I
have been through a lot of ups and downs in my life. I went to hostel I was
10. Everything went well. I changed
couple of hostel in the due course of time. I had different complaints about
every hostel. Some had bad food and some had too many rules. Some were too
crowded and it drained me up. Regardless of days and nights I slept on one of
the hostel bed. There were so many things I wanted to do being with my family.
I missed my mom, my dad, my sister, my friends and my memories of being back at
home during my holidays. I think sometimes my life revolves around those
memories. When I picture myself being at
home with my family, it creates a hazy image of what I used to do because it
has been so long years, I have started loosing my memories.
I
remember many things but still can't organize accordingly. I miss mom you know
it very well. So when I try to picture her nowadays it becomes really difficult
to go into the flash back because there is very little memory to dive in. One
thing I remember clearly is one of the evening when my mom asked me to stay
back at home. I was a student of class 9
and I was at home for my winter holidays and we used to play badminton every
evening during the winters. So that evening my mom was lying on the bed as she
was discharged from the hospital couple of days back. She was suffering from
breast cancer and one of her breast was removed after the surgery. She asked me
to stay by her side that evening but I was hesitant to go downstairs, join my
friends and play badminton. Now I reminisce that moment as one of my bitter
memory. I could have spent that evening with my mom but I didn't. The very last
hug I remember is on the day when I was going back to hostel in Kalimpong and
mom was about to go to Delhi soon for her treatment. I still remember the place
where we both stood with eyes full of tears and trembling voices saying
goodbye. I really didn’t knew that was my last hug with her. My everything, my
mom , my memories, my hug, my love was being faded away since that last
goodbye. So nowadays I get scared to say goodbye to people. I went to hostel
and joined my school. It was last week of February, being a hill station we used to soak up in
the sun. Slowly I started my school days still missing my holiday memories
specially my home. I used to cry at times secretly s were 4 guys sharing a
room. On the fateful day of April 21 2003, I was summoned by Mr. Lepcha Owner
of that hostel. He asked me to skip my school as we are going to Siliguri (My
home). I was happy in the beginning but later on wondered asking why? The way
he told me to skip my school was something out of the context.
It
was around 8:45 am and my friends went for school. Then He started explaining
me the reason why we are going to siliguri, I was shattered, broken, went
into illusion, confused, crying with
tears flowing like streams in a spring season. My body felt weightless, my
breathe grew heavier and then I realized I was alive but my mom was not. Yes
she was no more there to talk to me, hug me
or care about me. I missed her so much at that moment, I just wished I
could relive that evening once again, I would spend my every evening with her
but it's too late for everything. She died of blood cancer. I really hate the
word cancer, breast cancer to blood cancer, why my mom had to suffer?.
We
went to my house, mom was not lying as usual. She was lying inside a coffin box
wrapped with medications to preserve her lifeless body. She was in Delhi for
treatment and she could take the cameo no more and she gave up. After she
passed away, she was medicated to have her body preserved to fly till Siliguri.
No one was allowed to open the Coffin as the medicine would hurt everyone's
eyes. I tried opening being emotional but was stopped.
No
I didn't , I couldn't, I wasn't allowed to even see the face of my mom for the
last time.
Yours
Truly,
©
Sallon
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